The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
you never know when you'll meet the man of your dreams and bang him in an elevator
never let anyone you met on skype borrow your car. lesson learned.
her cat watched me eat her out... I would use the alternate term for both of those things but it's too weird.
You sucked on the drag queens heel. It got that rough.
Walked girl from last night to car as gf was driving up. Got slow clap from neighbors.
Just made macaroni burritos. Fukkin awesome. We'll have to try this when I'm sober.,!
Just served breakfast to a bunch of hella drunk kids. They kidnapped the birthday boy for his 21st and he was wearing a disney onesy and bunny ears. They've been drinking since before dawn, why don't we have friends like that?
I woke up at 3am, my head in a toilet, still at the kegger, wearing a random cowboy hat.
Even though he had a fractured vertebrae, the sex was still phenomenal. Better than normal actually. I hope the vertabrae never heals.
Remember when puke and rally meant a good time? Fuck pregnancy
I know, but the fabulousness of my baggies should not be what defines my business as a drug dealer.
it is my last wish that my tale be published posthumously as a warning to anyone thinking of eating burger king at nine am
Me and some guy are crying in a port a potty together after another guy broke up with both of us.
See that doesn't work because we've had sex so its awkward for you to call me mom
Randomize
