Just got laid for the first time in 3 yrs, 10 mo, 1 wk & 2 days. YESSSS.
Okay I've seen like three girls walking around crying today. Weird?
everyone's regretting their thursdays.
Nope it's him. He's whispering to himself and buying asparagus.
apparently "my dealer got arrested" is not an acceptable answer when mom asks "What happened? You look sad today"
I swear there's a gravitational pull from your vagina to large groups of men in uniform.
The port-a-pottys are knocked over so I have nowhere to sleep.
Be careful. Don't drive if your body turns into a caterpillar again.
Someone took a picture of their balls on my phone last night. BEAUTIFUL PACKAGE. I will find this man.
I feel like jumping into a breast pit right now. Like the old school ball pits at mcdonalds.
Awkward family moment #1: walked in on my 15 yr old nephew packing a bowl. Nephew says- "lets not ruin christmas and keep this our little secret"
He gave me the award for most entertaining blow job. That should count for something.
Speaking of which.. there's underwear in my backseat and Arby's cheese sauce on my door handle. So much for my new Volvo bringing out my classy side.
My mom found your leather pants in our guest room. She doesn't want to know why they are there, she just wants to know if you want them washed.
Come get me...at gazebo by side entrance....im passed out in a bush...this is a Bar A bouncer texting for your buddy
I came twice AND he sent me home with edibles. I think he’s a keeper.
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