I told my ex i loved him and then he sent me a picture of this girl laying on his bed.
im starting to measure my showers by the number of beers i drink while im in there.
I don't think there's a better bc pill reminder then when teen mom comes on
trust me, there is no more disappointing feeling in the world than waking up at 4 in the morning with a random half naked chick in your bed and then realizing your roommates girlfriend just wandered into the wrong room.
Guy having heart attack in McDonalds. Classic.
I literally had to tap out of the blow job. It was like a pornographic wrestling match
There are panties and mini bottles of Fireball in my purse. Except for the broken toe incident, I'd say last night was probably a success.
I can't believe you picked a finger in the ass over lunch with me.
So I'm about to drive his drunk ass home and he spits on my car. Before I can say, "Dude, what the fuck?!", he puts his finger to my lips and goes "shhh, its in the past."
Well, I got fired yesterday. At least I already paid for my Adele tickets.
PLEASE AT LEAST MEOW SO I KNOW YOU AREN'T DEAD
I'm going to smell of sex and shame.
How is that different than any other Monday night?
I opened the door, threw up on the street, wiped my mouth and flashed a thumbs up to all of the cars behind us and kept on driving
How did delivering mac n cheese to my drug dealer become a two hour outing?
Still had our rainbow strip poker new years tradition. End of night we were only wearing mask.
Did you get the usual surprise pics from the strange straight you like to sprinkle in.
Randomize
