She got kicked off the plane and spent the last four hours in a holding cell with the feds.
but she's really nice
we're drinking boxed wine and eating string cheese. It's like a wine tasting for poor people.
Like many of my risky ideas this has "burned genitals" written all over it
Are you sighing at your phone and judging me right now?
Found trail of ibuprofen on ground. I'm like the intervention version of e.t.
Dude, she gave me a handski that literally felt like she was starting a lawn mower...
I am literally drinking 7 day old water and looking for snacks in my room so I won't have to go in the hall and see roommate, because we accidentally banged last night. Please bring over some chicken and plan b.
Once again being low on toilet paper is forcing us into another round of our favorite game - toilet paper roulette - where there can only be 1 winner. Maybe.
Dry heaving on campus is my new low. Also, go pats
I lost the right to judge tonight
She rode me like a jockey on that tiny couch. Then we spooned.
You are a genius and a whore.
excused from jury duty. THAT hungover...
I realized just how much my daughter is MINE when I heard her tell someone "Go shit yourself" yesterday.
You guys do the cocaine and I'll do the dishes.
Randomize