He gave me a pearl necklace on top of my Karma necklace I was wearing. I guess I deserve whats coming to me.
Tonight when I'm getting a bj from a stripper I'm gonna imagine it's you bobbing down there
They want me to get them some X for there wedding present. I'm on the way to get it now
Sorry blacked out and lost my phone. Judging by the looks of my body I fought a cat and fell into a bush.
OH MY GOD IT'S LIKE SHOOTING FISH IN A BARREL, EXCEPT INSTEAD OF FISH THEY ARE FIGHTER PILOTS
I'm drawing the line at your vagina. I will not accompany you to get that pierced and/or tattooed. There's got to be some mystery to our relationship.
Why did you make me get in the car with you and then not give me a ride? I woke up in a bar with a blanket on me.
Well she started to strip and when she slung her hair at me, she painted my face with sweat. A LOT OF SWEAT. It was a weird boner.
so i ran into nick. i may be more gay than anticipated
The inflatable penis from those pics was mine... We broke him that night
It's a whole movie about Joseph Gordon-Levitt watching porn and having sex... I NEED to own it..
I accidentally called my professor daddy...and I think he liked it. Help, I'm scared.
i'm gonna friendzone myself so you dont have to
...and now I welcome the sweet embrace of death.
the roommate is literally cooking green eggs n ham, and I'm too hungover to see straight. Dr Seuss nightmare.
Randomize
