the guy in front of me just bought a pound of bacon, a bouquet, and a case of budlight, i want to see THAT makeup sex
You'd think after all these years of evolution that it would be longer than a golf pencil.
I cut you off after you tried to do a shot out of a neti pot, down your nose.
explains the nose bleeds.
you know it's bad when you need sunglasses to open the refrigerator
the laptop wouldn't balance on his lap. that's how well endowed he is.
My chest hair is, as we speak, arching upward to embrace my neck beard. The union will be a storied one.
you invented a new sport called "bacon pulling" and you cried everytime a piece broke
Dammit labor day drinking cancelled due to 3 inch long table saw cut to palm
Ok so you know that's gonna be legally viewed as kidnapping, right?
Can you please come and collect your boss off of my kitchen floor.
I'm wearing fairy wings and I broke my wizard staff. If this isn't the most happy but sad moment of my life , I don't know what is.
It was a great party. People were literally still doing shots and playing drunk Jenga at 6am...
My ex's new girlfriends ex boyfriend is getting me my nipples pierced for Valentine's Day so who's the real winner here
So what if I got a tattoo on a bus, it was sterile.
Just dropped the most perfectly rolled joint into the toilet I just finished taking a shit in, hadn't even had time to flush, 5 second rule?
No!
Randomize
