I have a new suitor he got my # last nite... I was to tipsy to function! What was I thinking!! It's like u when u first met me
I just saw fred flintstone in my fruity pebbles!
what drugs are you on?
none, cept for the pain medication i got prescribed by the doc: it said 2 pills every 3 hours, but I took 6 cuz i'll be away from home later
so sad. i just ate the last good 'n' plenty out of the bottom of my purse.
Drunk versus high capture the flag: what team is everybody gonna be on?
Just an FYI: The offer for you to come snow blow my driveway in return for sexual favors is still on the table
Woke up handcuffed to a half gallon of beam. Yep. This is my life.
how the hell did this chicken wing end up in my cast?!
i sound like a 75 year old homeless man that has spent all his panhandling money on cigarettes since he was 12. that rough.
I just heard a 350 lb guy with a stutter describe getting blood in his eye as he was shanking his cellmate and, more generally, how to survive as a white guy in jail.\n\nYou should really consider going to some AA meetings
There is a 1000000% chance you'll be turned down if you try coming on to me while I watch Star Wars.
we were sitting in the kitchen and you kept biting my shoulder saying "itll all be over soon"
I'm closer to stabbing a fork in my neck than finishing this resume.
Our house rule in beer pong, is that if you get the ball in the bitch cup.... you have to snapchat your balls to everyone on your friends list.
Yup we found her. The bouncer was carrying her out
as a lesbian i'd like to thank joe biden and also america for giving us this absolute MILF for a VP
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