Discovered the coffee filter hasn't been changed in a while. I believe the mold has hypnotic properties. Would try it again, but coffee vomit is not pleasant.
They were lying down in the parking garage pretending to be speed bumps...
You called him your tasty little crouton. Which actually wasn't the weirdest part.
Found our threesome girl. She says I'm pretty. She doesn't know I'm pregnant. Yet. Think we can pull it off?
Hey, you gotta think, is this REALLY the penis you wanna see for the rest of your life? THINK!
I'm just gonna get real fat and join the circus.
I can't answer my phone I'm at work
I slept with a male stripper last night. Priorities
I also turned off the Anchorman DVD start menu before cause I didn't want Will Ferrel watching me lose my virginity.
I said that I'm avoiding parties and guys, and the freshman girl just laughed
On the plus side I'm getting really good at painting the inside of a toilet with my bowels.
fuck whipped cream. I'd eat vegetables off those abs
You haven't demanded nudes today. You alright?
I just hooked up with a one legged Australian guy. Hooray diversity!
Did you mean to say flashlight? Or did your grandpa really give you a fleshlight for your bday?
I had a good weekend too...although I cried about the dog in a drunken stupor last night...not one of my finest moments, but it's all water under the bridge.
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