I molested 6 butterflies tonight
Omfg I am plowed. Had drinks with 3 milfs. Going out on their boat tomorrow. They want to show me how buoyant they are.
After I tried for five minutes to hang my beer from the coat hanger in the bathroom , I have realized I am drunk
"fuck a duck" is spelled out in chinese food on my counter... im kind of nervous to search the rest of my house......
well after this past weeked you can expect to see me on maury playing a little game called "who's the father"
We told our cab driver we'd give him 3 grand if he pit maneuvered you guys in your cab.
He just stared me dead in the eye as he continued to beat off. Then said "you were going to catch me sooner or later".
We are finally out of the honeymoon stage of the relationship because it turns out that you can't come back from peeing on me in your sleep.
So on a scale from 1-10 how gross is it that I used mortuary makeup on my own face?
My mother is a bitch. She just outed me to my dad. He wants to meet you by the way...
I maxed out my credit card last night on powdered donuts and beef jerky
Someone called asking about the gate code and I said "hashtag" for # instead of "pound." Ugh. I feel so dirty.
I’m literally lecturing this class on professionalism, while my body is undoubtably covered in leftover cum from last night. I’m a fucking role model.
I bought two pregnancy tests and a cosmopolitan magazine at 4am... I told the cashier "dont judge me, ur not God"
I mean his penis was perfect in pictures but its even more perfect inside me
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