this morning he rolled over looked at me and said "oooo, you look like i need a drink" and then put on his clothes and left without another word
You realize we can hear you jacking off in your room, right?
I like it rough
i did make 45 jello shots and that makes me feel more productive then any paper would
I owe her a pancake or a second hand orgasm
i'm sad. The beetle crawled away. I was only trying to get him stoned.
Don't ever give your dog some hamburger at midnight. Its impossible to enjoy a late night burger when your dog just threw it up all over your carpet. Gremlin rules work with dogs.
My liver was like a college freshman on spring break. It would've danced topless on tables if it could have.
When we picked him up this morning the cop said that if they actually arrested every drunk American who pissed on cathedral doors, Spain wouldn't have any room for real prisoners.
The things i do for you...I put all those condoms on a bed, complete with girl, and you sleep in the bathroom
Cause I'll toss Tabasco sauce in his eyes and yell "Cobra attack" and walk away
At 38 I had to open a Snapchat account to communicate with my 21 yr bf. where is my life going.
If I don't quit picking up guys when I'm drunk, I'm going to need a vagina transplant.
Don't make me do math I'm drunk and full of chicken
I just found (and ate) a chunk of a reese's that fell between my boobs. Problem is that I finished those off 3 days ago in a drunk induced sob session... Has it really been that long since I changed my clothes?!
Dude in the stall next to me shitting and sobbing. Dude another stall over, "Come on bro, you gotta loosen up." This is why I don't shit in public.
Randomize
