Stuck behind a lady in her 70's purchasing a plastic handle of vodka and nothing else. She is writing a check. Hello future.
I don't think anyone has ever said "boy I'm glad I took those shots of everclear" when they wake up
You told me alcohol would be the death of you then ordered 10 shots of tequila.
We're the only two others left at work. My internal monologue is going: TAKE ME. TAKE ME NOWW. ON THE COUNTER. IN FRONT OF THE MANAGER. JUST TAKE MEEE
Don't let her tell you any different. She licked the balls of my hamster for that $100. It was a group bet. She won.
My lecture teach is passed out next to me. I think I'm doing pretty good for a freshman.
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
The police report said "I asked the suspect if he had any identification. He replied yes and gave me a Pizza Hut gift card"
You are the only person I know who has a fierce hatred for a five year old. Not even five year olds in general, yours is very specific
Last night I went outside to our neighbors and asked them to put in money with me to get a hot tub for our patio. Niceeeee
There's just something so liberating about drinking a beer with no pants on
He flew in from NY last night. We had sex in the back of my car in the airport parking lot and then he fed me fresh Babka (from Breads Bakery) as I drove him home. I can't decide if I love him or Babka more.
got some info she was last seen with some guy wearing goggles
The day will come again young grasshopper. For now you must complete your training of patience and tongue biting
I'm just too horny to handle empty house
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