The second he texted me with "*dry humps you!*" I knew any relationship we might have had was over.
Yo I'm texting you while getting a bj. I know, I'm the man. Told her I was texting my mom in the hospital.
Ya I guess he's not a bad roommate. I mean if he wasn't here I would probably be more lazy and pee in bottles and stuff.
He threw up, and left his credit card next to the puddle. He kept on saying he wanted to pay for the damages.
You said you wanted to start a restaurant called 'Barbecue' where everything is barbecued. You sounded really proud of your concept.
You threw an open can of pop at me while I was lying on the floor babbling and drooling about how I need to be alone forever, me and my leaking face.
Sitting in back of morning lecture drinking a daqueri from my pink unicorn cup. Pretty sure the girl next to me smells it.
Just retrieve me from the bathroom floor when you're done
Why is my hat full of peanuts?
Don't throw them out, I'm on my way
We watched the first ever season of SNL and fucked for so long. He accidentally punched me in the face, but I mean, John Belushi was the background noise of our sex. I can deal with it.
Sorry for face planting onto the table with all our alcohol on it
I'm sorry if you weren't drunk enough to be peer pressured into the naked dancing/group make out that transpired last night
We probably are going to die. So. Thanks for agreeing to be my Maid of Honor even though I torture you.
My mom just asked if I wanted a mimosa when I got out of the bath.
I think everything's gonna be okay.
We could just stay sober.
No! We tried that once.
It sucked.
Randomize