i may or may not have been spotted by tourists while getting head in the vicinity of the jefferson memorial
This was all being yelled across a beer pong table as all important things should be discussed
I just woke up to me licking the dognuts
You mean Doughnuts?
......No :(
He kept dropping hints about giving me crabs. Like he called my pubes a nest and said he "hoped there weren't any eggs in there."
my post shower fart this morning sounded like hulk ripping through a phonebook
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
Thanks for not locking your door. I had to pee and there was a random person throwing up in my bathroom so I used yours. \nPS I stole your soap
Then me, her, and her mom snorted tequila. The bartender was in shock.
Guys always stop talking to me right around the point that if they bought me food a couple times I would probably have sex with them.
Yup on the verge of buzzed and drunk. I managed to make my way into my cat's box house to fall asleep. I'm comfortable
Well, he didn't buy me a birthday present but he sure did give me chlamydia so there's that.
I didn't want him to hear me sneaking in. The doggie door was the perfect solution.
I'M TOO HORNY FOR GRAMMAR!!!
I just said "you do you" to my penis.
Apparently I've texted the word shitfucked so much it auto-completes it now.
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