I'm so glad you managed to take a picture of your foreskin before you broke my camera.
the reason why you were crawling on your hands and knees from room to room last night was because you thought the ceiling fans were chasing you...
that makes sense.
Nah, I'm just going to keep fucking him until he realizes we're perfect for each other.
do you ever get flashbacks of ppl you had sex with and just shudder at how gross they were/how drunk you were?
story of my life.
She was surprised when she saw all our living room furniture was made from old kegs. It's like she's never met us before...
we fucked while standing on a ladder. challenging, but worth it.
That was the first time I have seen a confused expression with a dick in the mouth
He would have to make magical things happen in my nether regions to actually make me vote republican.
Wow! It's so great to hear from you! We all thought you perished in Winepocalypse 2012, man.
My mute roommate is using sign language to ask a guy to fuck her.
i may or may not have bought a plane ticket for a russian cam girl to fly here. also, can you spot me $300 on rent?
That was just an endearing nickname I called you before. I'm not gonna call you a filthy slut now that you are one, I don't want to hurt your feelings.
Dude, you need to come and get her. She's sitting on the bathroom floor making hearts with her menstrual blood. And remind me never to let her do jello shots again
Not sure what you smoked, but you put raw bacon on the lazy Susan and spent 45 minutes looking at it and mumbling Meat Spin
I was trying to be good but he showed up with dinner and wine and I exploded. Like a bomb. A dirty, sexy bomb
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