well there was some sort of sex marathon going on in my house last night..jess and i vs my parents...and im ashamed to say that we lost and my parents out-sexed us
he asked me to smell his eyeballs.
You know i think she's just using me for sex
I hate you.
I'm studying for my midterm by watching porn with Spanish subtitles. Surprisingly the words are still really distracting..
I love you like a cupcake loves an overweight child, very similar to the mannerisms of a whole cake but personal, and minus the commitment issues, plus just the right amount of icing; not to mention the convenience of mobility, and only a smidgen of the guilt😘
I want him in the "you're a terrible idea and are probably going to get me killed by my parents, my siblings, and my boyfriend" way
gladiator or hannah montana?
This is why I never have to ask who you are when I get a new phone.
Drinking franzia alone at noon watching a cheese themed episode of "The Chew" I'm ready to admit I need a job.
Luke did at least 8 shots of pure mayonnaise last night. I am not sure if that is better or worse than my 2 cement mixers?
So half of us were already throwing up outside when the Ukrainians ask us if we're ready to start partying yet. I love this country.
She crossed her eyes and threw up into a glass while sitting at the bar. It was fifty shades of sketchy dude.
After you passed out we took your car to the campus and stole a 150lb plaque that's now in your trunk. Happy birthday!
Shit is getting real. I just adjusted my search radius for my dating profile to ANY FUCKING WHERE
UGH I HATE BEING THIS WAY IM GOING TO GO HUG THE CACTUS YOU GOT ME
So how do I tell him I've been sleeping with his wife too?
Randomize
