Me hooking up with her is like rush being president. Bad news.
sitting next to michael phelps in the airport. wonder if he's carrying...
just fit an iguana in a condom...have pics
idk if its the weather or the "im still drunk" or the morning sex i just had with my roommates gf but that was def the most enjoyable walk in the rain ever
I think need to divide my DVD collection into "movies I've seen" and "movies I've only seen during sex"
I'm in the liquor aisle and a 10 yr old boy yells, "My favorite beer is Corona! Daddy remember when you gave me some on our camping trip?"
ITS DAYLIGHT SAVINGS TIME SUNDAY EVERYTHING IS GOING TO BE OK AFTER ALL
I'm going to have to take an awkward trip to the front desk to ask them if they found a pair of turquoise shorts and an "I'm the Mom" sweatshirt.
He had a step stool to get in to his bed!
Our apt smells like hot shit marinated in oregano and cumin. No more taco truck dinner, fuck face. The wall paper is peeling.
walked into my roommates bathroom to her throwing up a quesadilla while singing come on skinny taco
His premature ejaculation problem is getting old.
I just put vagisil on my bug bites how do you think my morning is going
He's got the most well kempt beard I've ever seen and I need it between my thighs is basically what I'm saying
Fuuuuuck dude, he’s got #Excel in his Facebook bio; I’m screaming
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