She just wrapped her tongue around my thumb.....lizard girl may be my next wife.
I want to drop kick Stephanie Meyer
you spelled her name wrong
not you too!!
I wish the holidays was like a drive thru. Get in. Get your presents. Get out.
you have to give me like a days notice for these kinds of things, you cant just call at 9 am and expect me to be sober
toilet paper cling ons are not as adorable as the little red cub makes them look on the charmin commercials.
You leave a trail of fuck everywhere you go
Speaking of ejaculate, did you get the side of your car cleaned off?
I just texted him and asked him to keep some in case I need help sealing the deal.
Girl Scout cookies are like roofies for fat chicks.
He referred to his penis as "a gentle giant" and said I had offended it
You tripped over nothing.. everyone stopped what they were doing and stared..you stood up and yelled "you win this time gravity"..then started chugging someone's drink
Came home plastered at 8am. Roommate had hot glued all the ashtrays and various items to their surfaces. Couldn't handle it. Went back to the bar.
Is it rude to send him a, "happy birthday, I hope you finally get an STD" text?
I had to fake it. He was punching my vagina like it owed him money and enough was enough.
I've seen you go skiing on a Tuesday, but you think you're too good for TGI Friday's?
What the hell happened to the sandwich meat I just bought?
After you smoked, you made 8 ham sandwiches.
Guess that explains the mysterious disappearance of the bread...
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