the pharmacist hit on me as i picked up my herpes medecine. i think we found a winner.
Just dominated the men's bathroom at work. Sounded like the intro of a death metal song.
noo you weren't that drunk. you just knocked the grill over and couldn't get the key in the door, so you climbed through the window. success.
i need to find a notary that isn't going to turn me in for blatantly lying to the us and chilean governments
When you gave the girl your number the fat girl was like "take mine....here please take mine"
Oh come on. There's no way I was the only female choir student taking shots in the back room.
Take in how we used all the shot glasses in the bar in less than an hour
A white limo full of drunken 30 something business people pulls up next to me and asks if they can kidnap me until 1030. If I don't make it back tonight, call someone and tell them I died gloriously
I just threw up over a bridge. I didn't even know there was a bridge in this town. Vodka is like a transportation device.
I drank enough to tranq a steed. You really missed out
Fuck you, I'm yelling at a mountain right now
For me the most fucked up part of last night was that I know for a fact that you were sober. But your dancing was a close second.
Tell me why i have 60 matches in 72 hours on tinder. Can i sell my tinder account like people used to sell their myspace pages and tumblrs when they had a lot of followers? Is that a thing?
i think you might have coined the term "slightly awkward pyromania"
We ran out of vodka, so instead of body shots you wanted to do cupcake shots off her naked body...happy birthday to you.
Randomize
