OMG - This guy with a mullet just told me - it wasn't a mullet - but his hair dresser layered it wrong. It's so walmart in here. I hate you.
Dude you can sell sperm for 100 to 250 bucks a time. And the best part is there will be kids all over the world that will have me as a daddy. It's like I'm jerking off my way into ruling the world
alcohol. turning childhood friends into awkward hookups since the dawn of civilization.
if I could send you my dick right now I would. that's how good of a friend I am.
She is ok w me having sex for money. Just gotta find rich grandmas.
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
How could you give up sex for lent? I gave up religion for lent years ago and never looked back. Or give up civility, not sex.
I forgot if I was chewing my gum or my tongue
Honestly I will go to church for him, I will even try to quit smoking for him. But his dick is not worth losing alcohol. He sure as fuck isn't taking away our wine nights.
we tried to exchange flip flops in the parking lot and fell over then army crawled home
I had a dream that I had to take a breathalyzer but then it turned out to be a bong....why can't that be real life?
You know your acid trip is going well when the orange you're eating gives you a life lesson
I should probably eat a Plan B. Pill for breakfast. Happy Halloween.
He's a drill sergeant! The sadomasochist in me can't resist that.
I experienced pure joy just moments ago when I looked down and saw that I had another pop tart to consume down my mouth hole.
Randomize
