I think I just sat on my labia. Can I borrow some scotch tape?
I am midnight drunk by noon
he showed up at my house with a hand-stiched sweater that said "girlfriend?"
something about eating while taking a crap just doesn't seem safe to me.
two words: eviction party
She uses my penis to point at the tv when we talk about the shows. I love her
No that's sign language, not a drinking game. I tried to join
You made everyone who was on the patio sit on the floor and join your "ship" because you were the Captain. It was cool though. You let me be your 1st Mate.
There's a cop, a pizza guy and a half naked girl outside along with a dog that I don't know. It feels like I walked into a Judd Apatow movie.
Exactly man. Who needs doctors when you have vodka and hot knives.
Of course that's what I'm wearing. I need to find a beard to mount and ride STAT.
Fuck off. Since when do you love him??
Since he licked my arm to retrieve the macaroni and cheese he dropped. You have to appreciate that
Can't even lie. Mad respect
You made me brush your teeth last night......for 47 minutes.
raging hangover at work with a lunchable dreaming of the sex ill never have. my life is perfect.
I’ll always remember that day you sent me that random nude on accident lmao changed my life
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