I picked my nose. Flicked it. I heard it hit something. Next thing I know, it's floating around in my wine glass.
There's 12 honey baked hams in my fridge. I vaguely recalled you organizing a "Midnight Ham Run."
You couldn't hold yourhead up but you managed to unzip my zipper. That's skill..
I'm pretty sure he told me he was sterile and I told him I was on the pill. The positive pregnancy test I'm holding in my hand right now tells me that at least one of us was lying.
security doesn't like it when we pee on cars. or maybe just not theirs?
I am the worst sexter. i actually told him .. if i had a penis, it would be hard right now. BTW thats a turn off.
Also- bikini mowing was a horrible idea. One truck just drove by 3 times, turning around at the end of the block each time. My tan may be better for it but my conscience has been raped.
I normally need adult supervision or a babysitter, but I refuse to let someone keep me from making irresponsible and wrong decisions at the bar on my last bday ill ever have in texas
My bathing suit kept falling whenever I went under a wave and this kid caught on and kept checking them out so I told him nothing comes free $5 a boob
Congratulations, you've begun to unfuck your life.
You know you're doing well in life when weed is considered to improve your job performance
haha all our friends are at the carnival and I'm on stage dry humping a 40 year old
I just ordered cookies for delivery. My life is falling apart.
It was great. He never spoke.
That's not why it was great, just that's all I remember.
Oh also we fucked while one of the old Rudolph movies was playing on tv so it was festive
Randomize
