I just won Halloween Walk of Shame Bingo!
Someone left a beer in front of your door...there's a note with it that says "peace offering"
scratch that I can tell you where she is shes drunk on a beach somewhere being a penis slayer
I had sex with marker all over my face so I can do just about anything.
I just got attacked by a swarm of butterflies. Nothing is okay anymore.
Just go to your happy place. Mine is with Jake Gyllenhaal & schnapps
He just stays over and makes naked pancakes in the morning
he just used a semicolon in the middle of a sext
What happened to no more shots?
It went out the window just like my dreams
Get over here asap there are three naked girls two bottles of whiskey and only one of me
You're the air beneath my wings and the lookout when I pee
Two days ago a random guy asked me to sign his forehead 'cause he wanted to have the name of the prettiest girl in the bar on him and never wash it. I just saw him and my signature still there...
Note to self: dont wear a butt plug for several hours and then go gym and try and do squats
G&T. Gin and tonic. GIN AND TONIC. GIN AND TONIC AND FUCKING LIME
fucked one of the teachers, librarian job's going great
Randomize
