This is not my ceiling
if I see one grey pube I'm spitting his penis out!
She has 2500 facebook friends. I probably should have used a condom.
I don't know if it was the room or her, but as soon as the pants came off, it smelt like a locker room and old man farts.
Places you have drunkenly threatened to piss: my bed, my bros bed, my moms bed, my bros wedding
The cab driver told me he hopes I look up to him as a father figure. Then he asked if I wanted him to take me to the hospital
The only way I could get him to agree to hook up with her is telling him I'd hook up with him next week.
When the question of, do you know who's ass has been on the cake you are eating is said... Good or bad party?
I'm going out w/ her for her b-day in a bit. I just talked to one of her drunk friends on the phone who asked if I could "handle 7 lesbian." This could be interesting.
I haven't been this unsober in a long time. I feel like I am observing myself. Like I am a test subject for alcohol. I wish my brain would shut up and let me be a normal drunk.
in a last ditch attempt to make life awkward after i die today i want to be buried naked and have an open casket funeral.
Just came so hard my back cracked. Other women are totally missing out if they don't masturbate.
He told me to be a woman and make him dinner. So I threw a bagel at him and went out to dinner.
I'm too high and old for this...
I woke up with a bunch of jolly ranchers and an eight ball in my purse. Successful
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