My wrist bandage is guacamole stained. What an accurate representation of my life as a whole
We are NOT roofying him just to get him to pass out so we can build a masive snow cock in his yard.
I am not apologizing for rubbing my balls on your leg...that is a risk you take when you come out to the bar with me
Just saw a girl duct tape a cigarette back together..I feel like my life is shambles for being present for this
This must be what defeat feels like to Tom Brady today. I bet he wishes he could barf up all of his bad decisions from yesterday, too.
If youre wondering about the smell, i set your hamster on fire. But don't worry he's ok
I never thought I'd say this, but I think I just saw the hottest pregnant chick alive.
I believe in using alcohol to heal from the inside. Not as a topical solution.
You left me alone with nothing but donuts and my thoughts.
If I show up to the mall alone looking like I do to purchase a vibrator and some Japanese food, I would judge me too.
Crying on the toilet and taking a shit. This is what being an adult is about
Yeah! Just remind me to. I'll also bring the blow up penis
I feel bad for her. If you sacrifice and have a chubby husband I feel that you assume he's not going to cheat on you....
So apparently being drunk at work isn't allowed.. who knew?
Public service announcement: Just bc it is Margarita Monday does NOT mean your stomach will readily accept that much alcohol. There IS a reason it isn't called Magical Monday. On that note, better luck on Tequila Tuesday.
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