i found the vodka. it was hiding in the orange juice.
Barsexuality is the new black.
Peanut butter while high is kinda stressful
got into a fight with a bouncer over who's moustache is better again last night...
You stole my camera, took a picture of yourself and said "that's beautiful, just as beautiful as our waitress".
You could make a naked club. One member, you. One president, you.
You kept saying we got to find the end of the rainbow, which turned out to be a box of lucky charms and Guinness in the bag of cereal
Please put me on a plane and hypontize me into forgetting the little bit of last night that I do remember.
Please don't call my dad a fuckpuppet, I feel like that would be awkward to explain later.
I like how she'll post a picture on Instagram with her boyfriend and 2 hours later you'll send me a snap of her panties on your rear view mirror
I am naked and annoyed.
What exactly is it about Doctor Who thigh high socks with a matching shirt that says "take me I'm yours!"
I think I may be going on too many job interviews. I've started to bring up Shonda Rhimes in my interview answers.
chasing tequila with frosting. best baby shower ever.
He's hot, clean, can actually cook, and best of all isn't a narcissistic prick. I found a unicorn.
Ride that fucker.
Randomize
