Hi
Babe...You're really smothering me right now
explain the missing patches of hair on my cat. now.
She tased me when I walked in the door. Thought I was trying to steel her weed.
I was dressed in monkey onesie serving people vodka jelly with a spoon...
we went from five shot glasses to three in one night. we lost 'badass' and gumbi, but the ninja turtle survived. courtney says to avoid any more casualties we're not allowed to use shot glasses past 1am. and we're not allowed to throw them
His roommate left already and took the beer pong table so we had to take off his bedroom door. Maybe res life won't notice.
I have 4 passes to the spa here, walking around with a robe on and putting cucumber slices on my penis. You guys should come hang out here. It's very relaxing
Welcome to drunk texts. Live from Margaritaville, it's Saturday night!!!
The Blue Grotto manager called. He asked me for your name and number. Apparently, on reviewing the videotape he noticed you consumed a whole pizza by yourself. He indicated that he has a tshirt for you and wants to put your picture on his eating wall of fame. Apparently, you are the first such person to complete this incredible feat of eating. Congratulations to you!! I am so proud.
Oh my god, it's like someone broke the off button in my butthole
Let's knock shit down like godzilla and have intense sex in the rubble
I'm high. ignore me
Can I just buy you sex toys as a wedding gift? Bc I’m here for that and you
HIGH AS FUCK. JUST WATCHED THE TRIPPIEST VIDEO EVER. IM NOT SCARED OF PANDAS. I GOTTA GO. TRIPPIN AGAIN
You win. I am a lesbian who maybe slightly jaded. I didn't mean to throw the knife at you head.
They were shocked that I could handle my liquor so well. I'm half Irish and half Russian. This is what I'm made for
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