I'm so fucking pissed that I wasted my shooting star wish on him and his little penis.
so, my congressman just called me to say he has office hours this week if i'm still interested in talking to him. i pray to god this is not related to Friday.
i may or may not have just grinded on your dog thinking it was my boyfriend
the cop didnt laugh with me when he patted me down and pulled out my flask.
there's a picture of you and pauly shore at a starbucks on my phone
I want to do something romantic. Like gargle champagne before I put your dick in my mouth.
the only thing you and i have in common is the we like weed and looking at my naked body.
she asked me where ive been her entire life and the guy in the room next to us yelled "with other women bitch!"
I'm pretty sure I got a cavity today due to how many times I've puked hungover at work.
Boats looked like robot pelicans and time was slow and now im on wipe out
I'd cum for enchiladas.
And after peeing my pants waiting outside for him, i proceeded to drop down and roll in the nearest puddle to pretend like i just ate shit when he arrived
If there was a card that said "I'm sorry for throwing up on your bathroom counter" I would send it to you.
I offered him midol and told him "it always helps my period so maybe it'll help yours"
Get your heels and tits on! I’m not wasting a Brazilian because his fucking kid ate paste or Legos and ruined an afternoon suite sex and room service
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