I got so high that I decided to drive with my knees on the way home. Where am I going in life?
Nowhere
I just used a franzia box to scrape the snow off my car.
All he did was lie there and used his hands to keep pace. He was like the metronome of sex.
I woke up to ritz crackers on the lawn, a keystone behind the hedge and puke on the rental car... i think that we have become that house...
Definately laid on the floor of the shower this morning drinking the water as it fell on me.
He kept telling me that something was trying to enter this dimension from another universe through his spine...
Fortunately for myself I'm twice as smart and half as drunk as everyone else. All things considered I'm leaving here three-to-five times richer than when I arrived.
My pubes were yanked out by the root when they got caught in the condom. I think it's time for a bikini wax.
You told us that you don't have to wait in line at Taco Bell. Then, drove up to the window and grabbed someone else's food.
Still not sure if my open-bar-week-long-trip to Cuba is the best idea as a congratulations-for-my-sober-february-challenge. My liver might just explode and give up.
Downloaded the Pocket Penguin app. There are now penguins living in my phone. Technology is wonderful.
First day in a very long time I've done more pushups than bong rips
Oh also we fucked while one of the old Rudolph movies was playing on tv so it was festive
I mean there are real risks associated with having unprotected sex, but I don’t think I need to worry about a ghost possessing me and having unprotected sex while using my body
You know you're out of shape when you're sore after masturbating.
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