using my metrocard to split lines. it says optimism on the back. i am optimistic that you will appear at my door and help me finish all these drugs.
My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".
my dad just walked in on my jacking off and all he had to say was "I thought you were bigger than that".... thanks dad.
I would say a second date is not looking likely, I acciedentally bit his penis. it's still bleeding 43 minutes later.
The only comparison I have for the iPhone is that it's like youre constantly getting a blow job
I'm coming over to use your dick. I need to take my aggression out on something. Hope that's cool.
You need to call dibs on the blond with the tits. It's your birthday.
Haha hell yea
Because if someone gets to see those.. It should be you. It's like God telling you Happy Birthday.
New BDSM fun fact. When you get spanked hard enough with a flat object, you get welts. Welcome to thunderdome, bitches.
My tongue is raw from licking all that salt with my tequila shots...happy cinco de mayo
You know you're drunk when you're apologizing for your asshole at 4am to the toilet. Eat shit habanero bbq sauce, you've ruined my life.
You used a fucking bud light like as lube last night. I'd get a UTI test like stat.
Last time I "ran into him" I ended up with the clap and had to explain why the ladder was missing from the garage.
I'm just waking up. I awoke in a towel (I must have showered at some point),i also found a half eaten McChicken in my bed and vomit in the toilet. Seems like I'm winning at life
Well 1) stay calm 2) stay safe 3) drink more
So you're willing to shred any respect that you had for your body on some random chick who's only looking for sex? That's the worst thing I've ever heard.
I mean, it won't be 100% meaningless, I know her middle name.
Randomize
