i killed an earwig and left its corpse on the wall as a warning
The problem is he wears abercrombie jeans like there's nothing wrong with it
Just crushed a xanax into my chewing gum. Its gonna be a long, fucking up flight...
i love beer. I convinced myself that I'm going to ace the exam tomorrow. I can't even do that when I actually study.
I just want to apologize for screaming when I saw you the other day. It's just that you looked really gross and I was high.
Im blasting "Fat Bottom Girls" as loud as humanely possible in attempts that old ladies doing water aerobics will take the hint and get the fuck out of the pool.
My vibrator challenges you to a duel.
My neighbor Chris is here. I am warning you, he is wearing a kilt I just saw his balls. Be incredibly careful that you don't see what I did.
He held back my hair as I puked, then kindly asked me to slightly move my head over and pissed right next to my face.
btw I told him that the only way he was gonna get to eat you out was if he smothered your vag with grits..
You chucked an empty vodka bottle against the wall and yelled "Everyone calm the fuck down, it's just the cops." After 10 seconds of silence I looked over and saw you pissing their fountain.
just shotgunning some tallboys in the cooler, you?
HOW DO YOU GET RAISES EVERY TWO WEEKS?!
Okay penises are actually pretty exciting. The people attached to them are an entirely different story
...Just hit my fuck buddy with my car.
Ok here's the plan: birth control, KFC, handcuffs.
Randomize
