NEVER shave your cleavage hair.
GOOD NIGHT DREAM OF ALCOHOL SNO CONES
Liver, I have supported you for 18 fucking years. Pull your weight for ONE NIGHT and detoxify this alcohol.
At one point he was so drunk he was carrying around a bottle of patron drinking out of it and falling everywhere and every time he spilled it he would scream "THERE GOES TWENTY DOLLARS."
Just had a horrible realization. I've fucked a guy with a webbed foot AND a guy with a third nipple.
I think your dick broke my retainer, I normally wouldnt care but my orthodontist died and I don't want my first appt to be blow job broken retainer with a new ortho.
I just need a text that says "put that food down bitch" and then maybe I'll lose water weight through tears
Yeah man... I ordered donuts, drank wine, and cried to a movie with Seth Rogen in it. Do you really think I have my shit together?
If I showed up at your door with pizza and a bottle of tequila wearing nothing but chaps and a fireman helmet, would you send me away?
Have you ever come so hard that right after you have the urge to yell "make me a sandwich!"? ...I think my ovaries turned into testicles.
HOLY FUCK I almost floated out of the city. Thank god my dog kept me down.
Oh no. Did you guys fuck on my pull out couch?
Why did two squirrels just run out from behind the couch?
About that.
Just remembered someone sprayed perfume in my mouth last night after convincing me it was vodka and that i tried to herd ducks around campus and bring one home.
Fucked a DJ on a jetski today... I love florriidaaa!
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