Just did a line with a monopoly bill. Tell me I'm not fancy.
He was eating me out on the dryer...and his mom walked in with her laundry basket...
He wasn't the only one with a full load.
Sometimes when i'm at a cross roads in life, i think about what i would want my lifetime movie to show what i did
I was holding her hair back and when she quit puking she told me she's been saving her scissor virginity for me.
Uhh... I think I meant "Be proud, I'm taking shots before my public speaking test." "Coffee and vodka is not good" and "Also, I'm giving blood drunk."
I have a 16 minute video of you talking about your life. We are calling it your Anthology sponsored by Steel Reserve
I also have to vacuum the broken noodles out of my suitcase...
Just woke up from a first date on the futon watching Arrested Development by myself, him cuddling another chick in his room. Simultaneously the best and worst one night stand in history.
Bonus: took me 2 hours to get home on the streetcar cause I spent my cab money on drinks for his friend last night.
So I just sneezed blood everywhere. On the upside. After yesterday I feel way more confident AND I give even less of a fuck.
All I've consumed in the last 24 hours is cranberry vodka and kosher for passover biscotti
That's what happens when you party with the tribe
Tonight we learned that just because we can fit a Tic Tac in the tip of my penis that does not mean we should.
I'll just bring the big suitcase this trip so I don't have to play wine bottle tetris again.
He woke up to me masturbating during the presidential address. Now he won't stop making jokes.
He just got home after serving 5 years in prison. And I think I may courtesy fuck him. Best Christmas present ever.
day drinking didnt prepare me for this..
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