Totally just asked Dad if I needed to show the real estate guy my tits so he would let us buy the house. I've really got to work on that filtering thing.
sooo my mom just yelled up the stairs " you left your bowl down by the computer"....aaand for a second I forgot cereal bowls still existed
My balls had bee stings let's just leave it at that.
the elusive kegmastree, who's mystery is only exceeded by it's power
I ended up taking shots of whiskey and chasing them with potato wedges, I have never felt more Irish
Tried to drunkenly hop a fence with my cast on to get away from the cops but ended up falling over a bench.. how do I explain those bruises to my parents?
Starting the weekend with a pair of pants on which the zipper wont stay up. Is this a sign of things to come??
Why is there ANOTHER stolen fire extinguisher in my room? You know that's a felony right...
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
not even kidding I just received the single most greatest head I have ever had.. It was unreal. It was like stick my dick into a silk bag of puppy ears.
me and him got disney princess makeovers at disneyworld. this is why gay guys make the best friends.
I just want to smoke this blunt and eat pizza rolls while watching The Price Is Right with you.
I'm sorry I lead life with my vagina.
See that doesn't work because we've had sex so its awkward for you to call me mom
All three of the bartenders here have screwed my boss, so he's definitely gay. Unfortunately for you he seems to have a type and you're not it.
Randomize
