In all seriousness though I just found out the dog pissed in my bed it'd be nice to crash somewhere other than my couch while my piss soaked bedding is in the washer
One girl and one boy is just not enough.
I just had to explain to the pharmacy cashier that the Plan B and thank you notes I was buying were not related.
She looked like her face caught fire, and someone put it out with a screwdriver.
Thats about the time I should have known you would run around naked and try to make out with my sleeping mother
i now have a sippy cup solely for the purpose of drinking alcohol out of...am i an alcoholic?
I need a DD tuesday morning around 9 AM
I'm scared to ask why.....
1st bikini wax. Jose Cuervo is helping me prepare.
Like if Robert Downey Jr. and Kiefer Sutherland got together for a bender, that's how drunk I want us to be.
I go to a class slightly intoxicated and they bring in a baby. What a life.
It's called the eyeliner-blowjob correlation, read a science book bro
next time im at a party and go to fist bump the dude who took my virginity two years ago PLEASE STOP ME
i told him I'd let him eat part of a weed cookie out of my cleavage, so he pulled over like a gentleman.
dude, you ran into a window then asked ME what the fuck I was doing.
it looks like a nuclear can of fuck blew up in here
You kept on yelling traitor and threatened to kill him and everyone he loves because he played beerpong with someone else
Randomize
