I've been here 20 minutes and some creepy old man told me he wanted to know what my insides felt like. I hate gay bars.
Her breakfeast in bed consisted of half a pop tart that I didn't want, and water that I slipped birth control into... Who says chivalry is dead?
My 10 year old son gave me a bottle of jameson for fathers day. Did you have something to do with this?
To my wonderful winter break booty calls: thank you for making this holiday season enjoyable. I look forward to seeing you boys again this summer.
Today's work quote "if I looked like you, I'd be sitting on everyones face"
Definitely need to find a less healthy bootycalls. All this bitch got in her fridge is feta, English muffins and wheat grass. What the fuck can I make with that???
Found 2 Coors, problem solved.
Look man, sometimes you just gotta say "Sure! Why not? I can always take a shower afterwards"
I mean I'm into guys with money but more into guys I'm actually attracted to
yeah i guess i'd rather he was hot than rich
wow i don't know if that qualifies as growing up but if it does i'm all in
our next stoner-chievment: cream of shroom soup. Get over here, this is happening!
Spotted: shirtless guy wearing cut-off hot shorts, 1 cowboy boot and a sombrero puking in a bush while his friend yelled 'stop being a bitch" from the sidewalk'. Happy 4th of July 'merica!
Like a gentleman I waited until you were done vomming to start my Big Mac.
Well at least I will forever be known as the girl he ate out on the lifeguard stand while people walked by. On the first date.
Are you serious?! She sent a pizza instead of showing up?!
She did indeed. Papa Johns. It helped because I was super hangry. That bitch is smart!
He's honking my boob in his sleep
It's innocent and endearing in some way
I cant promise hot guys but i can promise alcohol which is close enough.
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