She was asian and in a relationship... my two weaknesses
You couldn't hold yourhead up but you managed to unzip my zipper. That's skill..
Fuck you. how could you leave me passed out hangin out my truck window when you knew it was starting to rain?
I went to grab his drink and my hand grazed his dick. It was magical.
She bit a glowstick open. Apparently they burn. We bonded while she washed the chemicals out of her mouth as I did double shots of Jager.
I took 36 pictures of my lava lamp. your weed wins.
She said our goal is to fuck in every bathroom at the reception which is at a country club. I will have the best wedding date ever! Were 4 for 4 in public.
I just woke up from quarter beer tuesdays wearing 3 pairs of underwear, none of which are the ones I left wearing...2 Around my waist and one around my shoulder in an attempt at a bra. At least drunk me tries to be decent?
they wouldnt let me drive the convertible because i was in a bird suit :(
Woke up in the middle of my kitchen clutching a cheesy gordita crunch
moral of the story: if your going to mix ambien and free skyclub alcohol, take a direct flight or have a layover in a city you wouldn't mind having to return to for a court date.
I can insert a female catheter, but I cannot grill a cheese.
Idk what I'm more afraid of...checking my bank account or my STD results.
It's 5am and I come home to you naked on the kitchen table and 3 people I never saw before fucking on the back porch ... and my weed gummy worms are gone. fuck you I'm taking your mom's offer
If Dr Phil has taught me anything about myself, it’s that I can seriously relate to those women who fake their pregnancies.
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