i'm not a human right now. not even a dancer.
for real. he might as well bring dogs if they're lower than a 7.
so went to the condom shack today. bought a condom that dresses up your dick in a suit...tomorrow im fucking in style
started to yawn and threw up hamburger helper instead. awesome night.
i mean, we fucked on the futon in the garage where his band practices. pretty sure im now obligated to like his band on facebook.
That's why there are breakfast margaritas.
I spent an hour trying to convert bar outfits to church outfits. Its hard.
He couldn't stand on his own, but he managed to somehow to get to the beer garden and get served 3 more. I'm proud to call him my cousin.
Oh, I'm just lighting tennis balls and WD-40 on fire, what are YOUUU doing?!
2 six inch heels, 3 big sangrias, no broken legs
I woke up naked and only wearing cowboy boots, wrapped in a curtain that was still attached to the pole
just put a ruler in a cup trying to measure how much ivve had to drink..... God help me
I looked into this "it's just lunch" matchmaker thing and it was like 5 grand. If I'm gonna spend five grand I'll throw in another three and get new tits and find my own fucking husband.
they told me that it was glow in the dark and would make me magical. I was too drunk to say no. I woke up to a purple vagina.
its like a neon Im stupid as fuck sign
Did u puke in a church parking lot? And go to the wrong funeral yesterday? Lol
Randomize
