just saw a dude in a v-neck sweater on a bike drinking starbucks. way to feed the stereotypes white dude.
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
honestly I asked the same thing when we had our slip n slide and margarita party
I'm not sure how appropriate a drug deal is while at a wake.
there is literally a full grown man stuck between the radiator and her bed. i thought i kicked him out 20 minutes ago but nope we found him
today is just not my day... it could be raining penises and I would get hit in the face by a vag
He got up when I started trying to balance my wine glass on his head.
If we laid all the dicks that's have been inside of us end to end it would be as tall as 4 story building. 40 feet of dicks.
Tabs I had open this morning: "15 hedgehogs with things that look like hedgehogs" and an unexplored google search for "how do I express my love of tacos"
I'm in a dress, surrounded by Republicans, and the bartender just told me he's "out of Jack Daniels" in a very accusatory tone. Shit, is it only 8 PM?
Yeah, but he has adorable dimples and dimples talk me into things.
Awkward sister question: which game of thrones female left would you fuck?
Look, you don't know disfunction until you've sat on the john taking a shit and crying while totally sober.
you didnt realize it, but you puked in the bushes in front of a church and yelled "GOD IS DEAD"
Have you ever thrown up in the middle of your hair appointment? Cause I have..
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