Plan A DEFINITELY worked... Go with me to get Plan B??
I just want to sing "highway to the danger zone" when I'm taking his pants off.
yea pretty sure we followed the trail of your spaghetti-o vomit to find the car
Pretty much knew it was gonna be awful when the extra condoms she had from her ex were entirely too big for my dick
Sunscreen. In my vag. I hate summer sex.
Just got my cast off. My occupational therapist wants me to self-gratify. My clit is about to have an awesome weekend...
It can't be good... The last recollection I have is singing lullabys to his penis
nothing says 4th of july like teaching grandma how to work a keg
Yessssss I diiiiid! I enjoyed 38% of it. There are 4 qualifications and 2 were good. 1. There is a penis in my vagina (Pass) 2. It's a big penis (Fail) 3. The sex is long and exciting and makes me sweat and have 6 pack abs (fail) 4. I got off (uhhh potential to pass...)
His rebound girl is half his size, looks like a leprechaun, is majoring in theater studies and has arms like Rosie O'donnell. Do I win?
I deflowered you on valentines day. I AM THE BEST AT ROMANCE. LOVE ME.
I did a kegel this morning to determine if I had been penetrated during last night's blackout. Nope.
Got a snapchat from Megan last night showing you sobbing about a burrito on the floor with Dan in the background trying not to laugh his ass off
I was taking a nap and she comes in wo/ pants, gets up on the bed and mounts my face while watching Weeds on Netflix. I'm okay with it, but at least let me wake up first.
I think I just sharted jello shots
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