We all just poured out a sip of our drinks for you. One for our pussy whipped homie.
i wanna stay in my bed and fart for a few more hours
Spotted: forty year old in red dress, cigarette in hand, squatting to pee by railroad tracks. Hello future.
I've been congratulating people on facebook about their forthcoming pregnancies. I can't wait to see how this plays out
We got a party bus for the nite. I found out the hard way why stripper poles are meant for girls.
I feel like I'm in a bed a bagels and mistakes.
The office pool is up to $500 if you take a shit in Frank's desk drawer. Time to change the unpaid internship into a cash cow.
Btw before you ask, the dr said there's no way shoving his dick that far down my throat is why i got laryngitis
Yea. Some girl set a laundry machine on fire. She's not getting married.
he told me he had a dream that he laid his head in my lap and silently gazed up at me. WHY AM I ALWAYS THE DUDE IN RELATIONSHIPS
We played Rock Paper Scissors to see who would have to go down on the other person.
I got blackout last night and applied to be a banker
I'm not saying I love you. I never said I love you. I said that if earth blew up like Krypton you'd be the only person I would like to have inside me when our bodies burn up in a fiery inferno
Sober sex is weird like I didn't expect this when I got clean
PSA. Do not shart while wearing a jock strap at work. That is all.
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