In all seriousness though I just found out the dog pissed in my bed it'd be nice to crash somewhere other than my couch while my piss soaked bedding is in the washer
Do you think you have hit the lowest point in your life when you find yourself actually condisering watching the movie "Gigli"?
she claims you yelled BOMBS AWAY when you came. tell me she's lying
but she didn't tell you i squeezed, built up pressure, and napalmed her face as i yelled it, did she
Could you explain why there is an Australian passport in your toilet?
her bf's celebrating 10 yrs of service at kfc...it's safe to say all the good men are taken
on a related note, did you know that the fire alarm in our apartment talks?
What do you think french fries on pizza would taste like?
i already know. Delicious. Use ranch.
I just realized I consumed seven different types of alcohol this weekend. And I'm only counting jungle juice as one of those. How the fuck did I not die?
Hey, if I'm gonna bastard a child and ruin his life, I'm going balls out.
True love: he brought me a margarita while was in the shower. He's a keeper.
I told my boyfriend that the thing I missed most about him was scratching his balls for him.
Can I just keep holy water in the night stand next to the vibrator?
I'm watching Part of Your World now and I'm crying and I feel like I'm floating right along with her. This. This right here is some drunken Disney Magic
Casey, if you want the continuing love of our mother, you're gonna need to stop drunk texting her from PCB.
If you think that liquor is the way to shower sex then you're right.
Randomize
