Also I got A jello shot for $2!!! It's like the forever 21 of bars
thanks for brining me home and putting me in my bed. the pillow fort your built around me is also appreciated.
I wish there was a classy way to show off your boobs.
we already have meals planned for the weekend.
SEMEN IS NOT A MEAL.
composition of my stomach right now: 60% C8H10N4O2 * H2O (coffee), 20% CaCO3 (pepto bismol/tums), 10% HCl (stomach acid), 5% fried rice, 5% residual adderall. i can do that by percent mass too. fuck you finals.
Getting business cards printed for tonight. Would you rather be: 1. Vice President of Argentina 2. Celebrity Dental Assistant or 3. Dial-Up Internet Technician
3. Dial-Up Internet Technician.
Girl, he can't tell you not to take a bump just because you work tomorrow. You're on a wedding diet, remember?
A BJ like that needs to be recommended.
It just wouldn't be valentines day if i didn't invite 90% of the guys i've slept with to go to the strip club with me
So I've discovered that being hungover at 25 feels the same as being hungover at 24. Happy Birthday to me.
I'm moving out of my place and I just gave my mom a couch that I had sex on last night. Reduce, reuse, recycle at its best.
I mean you can one up her. Instead of ruining friendships you can ruin marriages.
I just had a dream that I was fighting Donald Trump... Gotta stop watching the news before bed
You can accomplish quite a bit with a can do attitude and a well placed ice cube.
I love how we can bond over the fact that we're the only ones who think the guy I drunk hooked up with looks like Voldemort
Randomize
