If Ritalin and Plan B had an illegitimate child it would smell like me.
finally nailed that neighbor chick. hopefully i can get her wireless password now. free internet trumps moral standards any day
i got last night's adventure to take the garbage out when he was leaving. my vagina is THAT good.
look mate, i'm pretty sure 14 texts saying "fuck me. fuck me now" more than passes the legal benchmark for consent.
Dude I totally just watched a girl put a tampon soaked in vodka up her vag
I need new friends
you kept saying 'can i put my penis on the grill?' and it was all i could do to stop you. you're welcome, though
This is working out surprisingly well considering it started out with us using a christmas tree as a battering ram
You refused to come over and kept yelling that you were gonna sleep on a car
i remember you telling me to take a shower, brush my teeth, go get back in bed w her, and "just do what i was born to do." and as soon as i stopped yacking i did just that. you saved my birthday.
i woke up hungover wearing my gym shorts and the condom from last night. Wine bar thursdays rule.
He just whispered "doors are weird" and then laughed so hard he fell down the stairs.
I told my mom I'm great in bed. That is quality mother daughter bonding.
It may not have seemed like it to you, but I was very sad that I was cheating on my GF with you. I was crying on the INSIDE.
WAIT MOM THIS DOESNT NEED TO BE A FAMILY EVENT OK AARON DOESNT NEED TO BE AROUND FOR NIPPLEGATE 2014
I think I sold my soul to a dominatrix last night.
Randomize
