oh my god I didn't know your sister was this good at french kissing
she was on her period so I asked if she wanted to make ass babies
just wokeup with my ethics textbook on my chest, animal crakers in my mouth and my dick in my hand. even aristotle doesn't have a theory for this one
That's a really weird place to spoon. Especially if there are more accessible places to spoon. Like a bathtub.
Just pulled an upper-decker at a hardware store. I believe I'm winning 8-2. It's obvious you don't shit enough in public.
I am sweating out the vodka to make room for the whiskey tonight.
You know it's a good weekend when you wake up on Sunday questioning your sexuality.
Getting drunk and falling down, isnt the best way to describe your hobbies, to your new co-workers.
I SMOKED SO MUCH I SKIPPED A DAY.
Oh we were great hosts that night. We made sure to leave all the beds open by passing out on the bathroom floors instead.
Had the best sex Thursday night then Friday night I met his girlfriend. The worst thing is we became friends like she gave me her number.
So. Somehow managed to fuck my contacts out of my eyes. Didn't know that was even possible.
My fucking earlobe is bruised what the hell
Because I'm currently dying, lacking waffles, and vaguely convinced I'm an eagle
I'm just going to assume my unresponsive booty calls are just preparing for the women's march tomorrow
Randomize
