Getting fucked up met up rando with a girl I confesswed my love for last night. weird, going with it
i'm 85% sure that if you don't visit me i will do something awkward and potentially dangerous to you in your sleep involving chocolate milk and a sham-wow.
You nicknamed her "lazy eye" and were screaming across the bar at her to buy you a drink...
will barter weed for kareoke machine...
Homeboy was juggling while taking bong rips. Of course he got laid.
My fuck buddy is great and all, but it gets weird when she gets in arguments with her BF in the driveway
OMG CHARGE YOUR PHONE I NEED TO KNOW IF THIS IS A GOOD PICTURE OF MY ASS
Meant to have fun, ended up giving speech about consent to guy at bar. Feminist side feels happy. Orgasms side feels confused and betrayed.
I need to stop acting like a drunk bitch. People are going to get the right idea about me...
Jungle juice turns everything into a pickup line. All I said was "do you play chess" and somehow I got laid.
While randomly hooking up with my neighbor last night he says "it's okay we're neighbors".
You FaceTimed me at three in the morning while you were peeing. Your eyes were glazed over and you showed me your bellybutton.
Well I've made a drinking game out of the Wiggles but I think I've got this babysitting thing down
If I don't wake up tomorrow you inherit my paycheck and can only spend it at cinnabon
I wish he’d realize all I want is dick. He’s my boytoy. He’s a stunt cock. \n\nCome over, fuck me silly, eat some leftovers, fuck me again, then go back to the frat house
Randomize
