I got so high that I decided to drive with my knees on the way home. Where am I going in life?
Nowhere
Turns out, Windex will cut right through semen stains on a computer case.
Banging your ex-girlfriends best friend 3 days after you break up is like saying "fuck you" with feeling. I wouldnt have it any other way.
so its official, girls can see a boner through my snuggie.
I started making my dollar bills into rings for the strippers
New rule: gentleman callers are required to bring me gifts of beer when coming over to court you. Tell the monster jam dudes so they know.
WHY DO I WANT TO FUCK EVERY GUY THAT BREATHES
I apologized for the whole SWAT team incident to the roommate.
But the drunk streaking fizzled when one of jake's friends took a piss while running with a massive erection.
Nothing says besties like laying naked in bed hungover arguing over who is getting the pants
You are the epitome of what awesome would taste like.
I would ride that face into the sunset
not only was there glitter in the toilet after i peed, but there was some on the toilet paper after i wiped. this cant be healthy.
Ill try not let guys feel my boobs for free drinks next time, no promises tho. I am my boyfriends worst nightmare.
What can I say, like your penis. The fact that I like the person attached to it helps too
Randomize
