somebody snuck up and got me drunk
I just heard a mom tell her toddler son "shut the fuck up. Don't ask me to buy you shit when i'm taking u to go see some fucking animals" welcome to the bronx.
i get tired of guys telling me there married or they have a girlfriend. they act like it concerns or matters to me
i was so blacked out at my family party.. my mom gave markers to all my little cousins. i was tagged by 5 year olds.
Turns out they use me as an example of What Not To Do at freshman orientation. My little brother told me.
Its like everytime i see you, my vagina gets a heartbeat.
apparently drunk me likes to play hide the puke.. was not a fun time washing all my legos.
You wouldn't let me clean the puke off your face because I'd mess up your cat whiskers. Now that's dedication.
It was like the Alcoholic Olympics...double fisting fifths with eight 40s in my backpack...running from the cops in stilettos. I will have bitchin' hamstrings come Monday.
American Eric just peed on us from the second floor. Hes now very confused as to why his "toilet is yelling." Send help.
By NOT going to the gym, I'm helping my future. I don't want stripping, prostitution, or porn to be viable money making options.
We need to stop going on dates to the strip club.
Look, his dick is so good at being a dick that it makes me see God. And I don't even believe in God.
The gate guard just said to me, "I almost didn't recognize you in uniform. Welcome back." I think I need to lay off the booze.
I think I gotta smoke less weed, I'm getting to lazy to fuck my girlfriend
Randomize
