You got in a fight last night?
Yeah! Some dude in the bathroom...he was standing there and I notice he's got the same shirt as me on so I'm like...dude you should have called me, we look like idiots...he didn't say anything...so i got pissed and hit him...completely decimated and my hand was all bloody and covered with glass afterward...weird dude, never saw him again that night or since.
Um...Did this guy happen to look almost exactly like you?
Apparently he's never heard a queef, he totally thought I farted and got freaked out.
when i got to my bed there was a handwritten note that said "wash the sheets." sleeping on the couch.
He told me to pretend to be a shark, and he would slay me with his harpoon cock.
how do you say "fuck me and leave bruises" in italian?
no one is here. wer drinking in the beer garden in the dark and we stole a bucket of blue paint off the sidewalk. now her legs are blue.
I guess birthday shots aren't always the answer
okay i am so sorry that i pulled a knife on you last night but seriously that woman knows how to throw a party.
She said we "made love." I had to explain to her that when both parties agree that the first time time they have sex both people agree to video tape the whole thing its not "making love" but more like random good time fun sex.
Our apt smells like hot shit marinated in oregano and cumin. No more taco truck dinner, fuck face. The wall paper is peeling.
Okay. This morning the comforter was wet, you were underwearless and using a tiny blanket. What'd you do??
He asked me if I remembered touching his police badge. awk.
Those thigh tattoos deserve the handsomest of grins between them. Dont settle.
I just destroyed that poor boy. Picked him up and put him wherever I wanted, it was like the Pride version of Elf on a Shelf.
The only words we could get out of him as he stared catatonically into space were "Everyone I know and love is dead"
Randomize
