Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
For what it's worth, your chances of anal go up the more she loves you. There's always a silver lining.
win or lose for butler, i'm still masturbating to brad stevens tonight
If you ever find a dick that big chop it off and bring it to me.
What time did you start drinking?
Maybe.
Maybe isn't a time...
This girl just swallowed a pealed banana whole. I'm not worthy.
The worst part about getting "creative" and by that i mean baked is that i just wanna get laid right now and all im doing is eating nachos
Omg. I wanna lecture the drug dealer about how highschool should not be his glory days.
The next time you fuck up, your grandma sees your dick pics
Sorry for face planting onto the table with all our alcohol on it
Wake up. Finish House of Cards. Put on pants.
Accurate.
Me and mom just bonded over our mutual desire to bang Mark Ruffalo. I'm not sure how to feel about this.
Realization: many of my behaviors would lead to me being stoned to death in a lot of foreign countries. God bless America.
screwing the intern at work sucks when u find out the boss is too. She is a smoking hot though
Now that I'm sober I feel the need to tell you that I'm not really a fish whisperer....
Randomize
