Did u get laid? I went and bought lube and fleshlighted it while moaning ur name the whole time.
ugly people sure do ruin things
I'm sitting at the bar eating dinner next to a nerd, a guy in a 10 gallon hat, and a policeman. I feel like I joined The Village People
I'm going to buy you a pony but under one condition: you have to name it sarah jessika parker
And it was confirmed to me that I did in fact cut my girlfriend out of her dress with my sword.
I remember coming home with a cat... I havent seen it all day. Shit.
Not sure why I sent you a picture of a black bear last night but it seemed like a good idea at the time.
Birthday Treasure Hunt was to follow the clues. At each spot there was a stick on tattoo and a shot and at the end there was 2 cases of beer. I have 13 tattoos and don't remember turning 18.
Tell me right now I did the right thing by not fucking my sick gf at 3 am with her family home... Tell me my balls hurt for noble reasons.
Why is hotel staff askin about the blood in our room
Its like her house is inhabited by 50 year old lesbian water color artists with a throw pillow fetish
I may have to marry her. She is smarter than me and has a six figure job and doesn't want to have kids. All I have to be is a trophy husband.
I hate ovaries. They're horrible little sacs of satanic enmity.
That's the most poetic description of female anatomy I've ever heard.
Next time I pee on a car, I'll text you.
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
Randomize