WTF. you left me with no condoms and you ate all my mac and cheese. scumbag.
Me + Nice restaurant + Copious amounts of booze + obscene comments to couples = valentine's day plans
I just couldn't load the family groceries on to the same seat where I had sex 12 hours ago.
Just found a bottle of tequila in the washer.
I do believe at one point I was dispensing medical advice while wearing your sombrero and a hulk hand
Any man who has a face like that and a bike, deserves a vagina like yours permanently.
my brain is opting to stay half drunk rather than relearn how to think. the rest of me is in no position to argue.
My life is literally the worst. I was just laughing so hard at how hot they looked feeding each other the brownies and then I was like DON'T CRY
So I just bought e from my sophomore home ec teacher. How's your weekend going?
Cause I'll toss Tabasco sauce in his eyes and yell "Cobra attack" and walk away
My friend just got engaged and I'm setting vibrators on fire.
Your life rocks...
My roommate wasn't home and I was too drunk and tired so I peed in the trash can. Twice.
found my cat trying to steal a lighter to hide away for himself. cat what are you doing. don't pocket my lighter.
While he was fucking me, he just stopped and said, "Mike says Hi." Then proceeded to fuck me.
What did you do?
What do you say to that!? But, when I came, I screamed out my full name.
Stop making fun of my hookups!
Stop getting hookups that I can make fun of!
Randomize
