Duuuude. Everything is so brilliant right now. This frosting is freaking orgasmic.
It's vanilla, man. Accept no substitutes. There are so many t's in that word.
After the nose/jizz incident i think our relationship can handle anything.
they superglued a cigarette to my fingers...i think I need to quit smoking.
The fact that he said "there's nothing wrong with being a raging drunk, just ask my mother." has me thinking that I have no positive role-models among my friends.
so i ran into nick. i may be more gay than anticipated
There is a midget driving a powered tricycle around town. I am not drunk, stoned, or lying.
Last night I dreamt that I sold my car and used the money to have wheels surgically implanted in my feet and legs so I became a human heely and I just rolled everywhere
You called me your momma bear, and then demanded more vodka
Trust no bitch in laser tag. Not a single one.
Is it weird that my ex and the dude I'm talking to now both only have one testicle? Apparently I've found my type..
why is "bang the student affairs grad assistant" the third highest thing on your semester goals list
I'm glad we can *facepalm* it together over the married couple we fucked separately.
Don't drag this out. All I need to know is if I have to put pants on or not.
There's nothing like a guy talking about your vagina as if it's delicious food to make your day better.
Really should've known 2020 was gonna suck when the guy dressed as baby new year got arrested at our party 5 past midnight...
Randomize
