my girlfriends now gay ex-boyfriend kissed me. tell maddie i can't hangout today
can we get nightvision for the apartment?
She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
I told her at least we still had each other. That's when she started crying.
its like she was born with a silver dick in her mouth
I just made doing the dishes into a drinking game. crafty, or pathetic?
Found out that no one else got Christmas bonuses...and you said nothing good could come from sleeping with my boss.
John stretched a condom over his face and tried to puke in it.
Went home drunk last night and peed on my Christmas tree, my mothers going to fucking kill me
there is nothing ok with the fact that that was the 4th time i peed in the same parking ramp
When theres a zombie apocalypse, i will be the only fat survivor. I ate chef boyardi ravioli with part of a pen for a fork
My dad picked me up from the bus station and as soon as he saw me he yelled "bus backwards is SUB!" and started laughing, I'm like 800% sure he's stoned. I'm so happy I came home for spring break.
They had to stop us from skinny dipping in the reflection pool of the Mormon temple.
i don't know why he's complaining, i'm the one with four hickeys on my ass.
I am so not sober enough to have a 5 minute conversation in Spanish
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