Shark Week may as well be Shark Weed.
I wanna be on tlc
Impossible. You are neither fat, fertile or fashionless.
im returning my roomates shirt with a "i got laid in this" thank you note
I'm so used to throwing up its no longer a game of hanging over the toilet. Now it's just 'stand up, aim for the toilet, do my thing' then walk out
fuck he's narrating my life in a british voice make him stop im way too fucking high for this
It's either jizz or frosting, and either way, someone's being held accountable.
my post shower fart this morning sounded like hulk ripping through a phonebook
I remember three things: you falling down an entire flight of stairs, me stripping out of your Christmas one-sie to do cartwheels in my underwear, and people standing above me saying, "where did that bump on her head come from?"
Also, I was told I kept the antlers on the entire time. I'm deeming last night a success.
So the bump is from hitting my head in an elevator. Apparently I dived into a cab head first too.....
He had bigger boobs than me last night and we both weren't wearing a bra so it was a fair judgement
Dude, double fisting packs of Ramen saved my life last night
I am officially now FB friends with my arresting officer.
when I woke up, he was drunk and singing "soft kitty" and petting my face
Nothing brings compassion from a group of cafe workers like walking in and asking if they have a 'hangover special'
Hypothetically - think of it as Schrodinger's blow-job.
Randomize
