I'm gunna smoke cigs today. I feel like I'm in that powerful and gritty mood which requires them
A hot woman with candy. This is what heaven is filled with
So, someone in Olympia stole my credit card # last week and bought a platypus vibrator with it. That’s it.
The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
I just caught Brandon licking the fake chocolate on a smores ornament
So I'm pretty sure I fucked the dept of homeland security guy on my kitchen table. No recollection of it, but there are signs.
don't tell me I don't love her. i once slept with my girlfriends therapist, just to find out if she was cheating on me.
Hes the only one i know who can talk to a girl for an entire hour abuot the science in starwars and still get laid.
I just used 'come play with my balls' as a legitimate booty call attempt. And it worked.
She came over and gave me a handy and then just lingered for a day and a half. Worst weekend ever.
Hahahaaa There's this one girl crying hysterically and wrapped around (i believe) her ex's leg. He's trying to shake her off without spilling his beer. This is fucking priceless.
Apparently stumbling across interstate bridges is not cause for concern but screaming Wookie noises at cars is. Thanks, cops.
I'm watching my cat lick a used condom wrapper on my nightstand and I'm too hungover to move and do anything about it. Tequila Tuesdays can not be a thing.
Yeah to go race car driving with a 54 yr old gastroenterologist. I really wish you'd come to have that drink with me Wednesday
He can sense you did cocaine and had park sex with a large ginger from Australia last night.
Randomize
