You stressed the importance of not breaking the seal too early... and then proceeded to piss your pants when you sneezed.
It was her first time with a girl so I put on my tegan and Sara playlist to really get the full experience.
I had a dream about a turtle sitting on top of a horse skull. I'm certain its a symbol for my dead sex life. Trust me.
i hope youre ready for a shit show because we just ordered a whole pitcher of red headed sluts
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
I am walking funny today. And it's sad because it's from the bad encounter with the sidewalk rather than a good encounter with a stripper
It's def pee. WHY DO I PEE ON THINGS WHEN I DRINK TEQUILA
Is it bad that I'm using the photo I took for my fake ID as my linkedin profile pic?
He's driving 2 hours to visit me and he's bringing weed. I love him so much.
Asking for a friend: is it frowned upon to eat pizza while you materbate or does it just mean you are fantastic at multitasking?
These are the things that make me so grateful... that I slept with your sister instead.
walk of shame across osu's campus on game day. i can see all the spots i threw up last night. its like my personal yellow brick road.
Date with Air Force guy was nice btw. And for my next trick I'll talk him into fucking me in his fighter jet at 30,000 ft.
No no no, work drunk and day drunk are totally different. I got drunk with a client and made a huge sale at 1pm. You are still in your PJs and jacking off.
If I wasn't planning on spend the rest of my life with you I wouldn't send you so many nudes, so fucking appreciate it
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