She's mad at me cuz I told her having a fuck buddy was too much commitment.
You couldn't find any paper towel to clean up the wine you spilled, so you tried to use her cat.
ooh i remember now. Not very absorbent.
We stole your phone last night, texted your brother and told him you wanted it up the ass by him. All he said was "I want ur money."
gave you a haircut while you slept. Please don't kill me.
Let me start this apology by saying I'm sorry that I bit your penis.
Can't promise anything, there's vodka in my thermos
You have to figure out where to put this turtle dude
I swear with his long flowing hair and god-like body he looked like Jesus, a bong hitting Jesus
And fyi howling is not an acceptable form of communication.
I'm 99% sure I just puked glitter. Wine drunk Mondays shouldn't be a thing.
You know you're hung over when the glare from the cream cheese on your bagel is just too bright...
March Madness means a buffet of emotionally vulnerable dick at the bars almost every night. So yeah my vagina and I are big fans.
i was sitting on the kitchen floor shaking my gallon of vodka at people and asking if they wanted to climb the heaven hill... getting dumped is the best thing that has ever happend to me
I just described cereal to my mother as "acoustic breakfast soup".
who is this
Come to my place after work and we can discuss our finances over a coors delight and a fire ball shot
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