OMG I just tried to text you something dirty but accidentally texted the obama campaign
We're pretty sure the 'pocket' aspect of the hot pocket is unnecessary. Testing our theory now.
she started talking about my kids
was she topless?
The walk of shame has never felt more glorious... I think it's the somberero
I'm babysitting and we're watching Barney and I don't understand why Barney can magically make band hats appear but he makes them make shitty ass instruments.
Barney's a jerk
Look I'm sorry I shaved your cat, but get over it.
Need to stop getting stoned with this chick, I keep waking up covered in pizza sauce
We were trying to sober you with hotdog buns but you refused put half of it in your bra and said you'd save it for later
Doctor just prescribed me 20mg Ritalin 3 times a day. It's becoming the "grain and oats" section of my food triangle.
Not sure how I feel about St Psts and March Madness being on the same weekend. I feel like I've been screwed out of a drunk holiday.
He was barking to the beat of "I like to fuck" and then chugged 3 beers and fell off the deck.. I should have gotten community service hours
You were so drunk, you called my cruise control, the "auto pilot" and asked my car politely to take us to Taco Bell.
I can't! Its just like the night that I bathed you, I didn't tell anyone.
it's pretty awkward texting you how much I want to suck your cock when I have my mom on speakerphone.
On my way
I think I swiped left on my soulmate
Randomize
