You know how I know he's a virgin? He's wearing transition lenses.
9 beers later and she still looks like Gary Busey.
I remember spending $50 at Ozzie's on Friday...my Visa remembers $120.
well seeing as i got a call at 5 am from the hotel manager telling me my cousin was passed out on the lobby floor...not good
I think I have vodka in my lungs
Last night, I accomplished the impossible. I pissed while riding my bicycle home without pissing all over myself. My Dutch friends gave me a round of applause and said I was now the king of holland.
I got so drunk at the hockey game I bought everyone behind me in concession line a funnel cake.
Only thig bad about that muscular chick from the gym is she liked it so rough I had to bust out a few wrestling moves from highschool
Well I either feel like the fat girl or very accomplished because his bed is now broken in three places
Two things. 1) party at my house this Friday 2) what was the name of the Australian you fucked on the cruise ship?
DUDE!!!!! THERE IS A MIDGET HANDING OUT RICE KRISPIE TREATS!!!!!! WHERE ARE YOU WHEN THE COOL SHIT GOES DOWN???????
She drunkenly texted me about Japanese mythology at four AM. I think I’m in love.
Sometimes you gotta do what you gotta do... and then you need to delete the history so you're girlfriend doesn't see it.
I just woke up with a cowboy hat on my face and a playboy from the 90s on my chest
I just snorted sandwich everywhere.
I hope it smells nice :)
IT DOESN'T BECAUSE I HAVE MEAT COMING OUT OF MY NOSE, DAMNIT.
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