So are we goin out tonight?
Dude, we woke up in your car in some parking lot last night...
And that was fun, wasn't it?
I swear ... this hickey is a map to Amelia Earhart's whereabouts
the guy in front of me just bought a pound of bacon, a bouquet, and a case of budlight, i want to see THAT makeup sex
another part of my inner child died when i emptied my crayon bank for dollar beer night.
Um. That's my cat Laura. You put my cat in your mouth, and then you put my cat in your purse.
Fucking someone because they own a lava lamp is like fucking someone because they have 20 dollars and no concern for their house burning down.
to improve your porn experience, just imagine a slow speaking older English man narrating it all like a Nature documentary
I've found a new low. I was climb-on-the-bar-piano drunk.
I just found glitter from our Father's Day party on my balls this morning.
DAD WTF
There's some random guy here dryhumping my kitchen door. If he is a friend of yours, please come and retrieve him.
I just fell down my stairs, guess that's how my sunday is gonna go
NOT ALL OF US HAVE THE HANDS OF GODDAMN ANGELS YOU KNOW
We had a pink drink in honor of my underwear and apparently I made out with our bartender... a few times
I remember her making the first martini but the rest of the weekend is a blur of vodka, high heels and sex toys.
First time being used by a cougar. Definitely okay with it
Apparent my drunk ass was so dedicated to taking a piss, when I walked across the dance floor to get to the bathroom a 9/10 broad tried to dance with me and I just pushed her aside, like hard enough to send her a few feet from where she was standing, pointed at her and said "Not now chief, gotta rock a mean one."
Randomize
