party started at 10. cops are coming to shut us down now and its 11. i already lostmy underwear and im wearing a sparkly thong on my haed. this has to be some kinda record.
she was sure she was an eel. She spent 40 minutes sliterhing on the floor to get to her room
I feel the need to point out that one of the items on my to-do list for the day is "don't throw up" I have no concept of normal
You left me on the phone while you grabbed a plastic bag and started puking. I recorded it. Its my new ringtone for you
There are parrots here and they're headbanging to the music. There's also a clown and a pit bull that can jump onto tables. Too high for this shit.
I'm so high I would give anything in the world to be inside my lava lamp right now
You're doing a terrible job of letting me hook up with girls vicariously through you.
One of my students submitted a thesis proposal to find the exact correlation between desire for sexual intercourse and vaginal heat.
Tell me you accepted it! This is critical fucking research!
I was so drunk last night I asked a rando at the bar to take a picture with me cause I thought he was in the band
So is that the only criterion for shenanigans now? Don't die?
Thank you for holding my butt in a non-sexual manner when its cold. I appreciate you and your warm hands.
My chance to home wreck was right in front of me and I didn’t grab it by the balls
Heard flapping noises behind me. It was my roommate flapping her bathrobe like wings, saying "I'm a faaaiiiiry."
NOT PREGNANT HIGH FIVE!
I'm at home, drunk, and I just called the guy I lost my virginity to and invited him to my wedding.. I've got to stop drinking by myself.
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