Remeber, hes got nothing better to offer you than drunk words and hairy balls.
you should buy a sheep. A) you get an awesome pet. B) free coat
just fed a duck at the lake a weed brownie. it hasnt moved in 20 minutes.
I realized we pick a president more often than I get a blowjob
The last thing I remember is funneling tequila out of a pink noodle.
Yep we found him face down in my sister's bathroom begging for blowjobs without mustard
4 to the list in one week. Slutsville isn't as fun as the brochure promised.
High with mom again. She's giving me relationship advice.
I asked her why she was drunkenly masturbating to Iron Man and all she replied was "Robert Downey Jr". As far as excuses go, that seemed pretty legit.
I just puked in my courtyard and dripped toothpaste in my chest hair. You better be getting laid or this drunk is wasted.
No matter how many miles separate us, I will always be here to get you through whiskey shots.
He came on my favorite pants. He is dead to me.
Why does my car smell like burnt toast?
I take it you don't remember trying to make grilled cheese with your cigarette lighter...
Nothing much. Just taking shots of tequila before I go get a bikkini wax. You?
im on a boat
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